TODAY'S TOPIC:

Therapy-Mart Zone

This is a fictitious story:
no actual people, places
or events are depicted.

by
Natalia J. Garland

Print Version

Rose woke up early Saturday morning and quickly got the twins out of bed. Her plan was to go early to the 24-hour Trade-Mart discount store and buy new school clothes for the twins. She gulped down a cup of coffee and gave the twins a glass of juice. They would have breakfast at the Trade-Mart restaurant. That was Rose's way of bribing the twins to get up early, as well as making the day's chores a little easier on herself.

The Trade-Mart was a 30-minute drive from home. The twins fell asleep in the car. Rose was a safe driver and accomplished a smooth arrival at the enormous Trade-Mart parking lot. The twins woke up automatically, as though answering the call of the shopping muse. Or, perhaps, just getting hungry for pancakes and sausages.

Pamela was the first to notice it. "Look, Ma," she exclaimed while pointing to the store's sign, "we're in the wrong place." Peter, taking pride in the role of a protective older brother since his sister was, after all, a few minutes younger than he, looked up and confirmed Pamela's sleepy morning observation. "Yeah, Ma, look, the sign doesn't say Trade-Mart. It says Therapy-Mart. What's that?"

Rose looked up at the sign and had no idea what was going on. The store appeared the same, but the name had indeed been changed. "Ma, Ma," said Pamela, "you're a therapist, don't you know what it is?" Rose, a successful psychotherapist of several years, and courageously living in a compatibility of career and motherhood, replied, "This may surprise you, Pamela, but there are some things even your mother doesn't know. Let's go inside and find out what's going on." The family of three fearlessly entered.....the Therapy-Mart Zone.

"Welcome, welcome, welcome," said the young man in the burgundy polo shirt with the logo Therapy-Mart embroidered on it. "My name is Johnny and I'm the weekend supervisor here at the Therapy-Mart. What kind of therapy are you interested in? Family therapy? Marriage counselling? Drug addiction? Sexual abuse? Domestic violence? We have an opening that just became available in our cancer survivors' group. What can I sign you up for?"

Rose was appalled. She did not know if Johnny was serious or if this was some kind of joke. She looked at him in dismay and said, "I only came in here to buy the twins some socks and things. What kind of place is this?" Johnny chuckled arrogantly. "Ah, yes. Many people come here on a pretext. You say that you came to buy socks, but we both know that you really came to see about some therapy for yourself and your maladjusted children. There's no need to feel embarrassed. Therapy-Mart is here to help you."

"No," protested Rose, "I do not want any therapy of any kind. In fact, I happen to be a psychotherapist myself and I never saw a place like this in all my life. Are you licensed by the state? What is going on here?"

Johnny answered her with feigned shock. "What! You are a therapist and you have never heard of the Therapy-Mart?! I would be happy to explain our services to you. We offer pre-packaged therapy deals to fit any insurance company's requirements. We put your name and diagnosis into our computer and match you with a therapist. It's very much like a dating service, except we pair up consumers with therapists. We cut right through the trust and confidentiality problems because our computers produce perfect matches. We are open 24/7 to fit the busy schedules of consumers like yourself. We have therapists working around the clock."

Rose found all this difficult to believe, but she was seeing it right before her eyes. The store was arranged in aisles just like it used to be, but now each aisle was labeled according to the type of therapy offered. Aisle #1 read D.U.I., Aisle #2 read Grief Counselling, and so on. But Rose still was not convinced. "What are your credentials, Johnny?"

Johnny answered her in an sing-song voice with obvious annoyance. "I graduated from the local community college with a Business in Our New Century Certificate, and I'm a member the Humanitarian Business Club. Most insurance companies prefer to work with us because of our efficiency with our paperwork. We have a full staff of clerical workers who are specially trained to fill out all the various insurance forms of every insurance company across the nation. We do not need to be licensed by the state because we operate on a business to consumer level."

Johnny had a swift answer for everything, thought Rose. Can mental health really be bought like clothing off the rack? Had Johnny outsmarted the insurance companies, or had he reduced human behaviors to the least common denominator in some horrible Nazi cattle-car manner? Before Rose could let her mind travel too far in that direction, she felt a little hand tugging at her jacket. It was Peter. "Ma, I'm hungry. Can we go get our pancakes now?" The needs of the innocent brought Rose back to her Saturday morning world. "Sure," said Rose, "let's get out of here."

"Wait," shouted Johnny, "could I have your names for my daily census, please?" Rose answered him in a tone of proud defiance, "My name is Rose Frood, and these are my twins, Peter and Pamela." Johnny smiled a crooked smile, "Oh, how nice, Rosie. I really enjoyed meeting you. Byeee, Petey and Pammy." Rose reacted to that remark like a protective mother bear. She looked Johnny straight in the eye. "No, our names are Rose, Peter and Pamela. The twins are ten years old now. They decided for themselves that they don't want to be called baby names any longer. They're growing up. You don't have any aisle numbers to fit my family do you?! And speaking as a so-called consumer, you don't have any bargains here, either. You can quote me in your census, Johnny."

Rose and the twins jumped into the car and started looking for a place to have breakfast. Rose had worked up an appetite herself. "Guess what?! I have an idea, kids. After we have breakfast, let's forget about shopping. Let's go and spend the day at the zoo." The twins bounced up and down in their seats, "Hurray! We're going to the zoo!" They were at a great age, and Rose suddenly wanted to enjoy them as much as she could. "Ma, can we visit the baby bears?" asked Pamela. Everyone was wide awake now, and it was going to be a great day. (Written 12/01/03)

Until we meet again..............stay sane.