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TODAY'S TOPIC:
Valentine's Day
by
Natalia J. Garland
Print Version
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A co-worker once talked to me about his job dissatisfaction.
He was having doubts that he had chosen the right area of
specialization. He worried that he would not be able to
adjust to the demands of working with a difficult mental
health population. He asked me how I had coped with my work
as long as I had. My spontaneous answer was that I was doing
exactly the kind of work that I wanted to do, and that I had
begun my social work career with a determination to make a
difference in this world.
His next remark
surprised me. He said that it must be a great feeling to
actually love your patients. He said that loving them is
really what it takes to keep working. When I reflected on
this, I realized that there are some people who become
therapists for reasons less than love, and that some people
are capable of loving only certain types. We all probably
have a mixture of healthy and unhealthy reasons for doing what
we do, but let us hope the healthy are the stronger factors.
Since our
conversation took place over Valentine's Day, I thought it
fitting to ponder on a definition of love that would apply
to the nature of the helping professions.
Most people are
probably familiar with the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi:
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Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where
there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where
there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt,
faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where
there is darkness, light;
And
where there is sadness, joy;
Grant
that I may not so much
seek
to be consoled as to console;
To
be understood, as to understand,
To
be loved, as to love;
For
it is in giving that we receive,
It
is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And
it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
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That prayer has
always disturbed me. It is both lofty and humble, difficult
and yet simple, and oh so open to misinterpretation. It is a
prayer that could guide the alcoholic to sanity and drive the
co-dependent to dejection. The juxtaposition of terms makes
it an intellectual puzzle.
Why is it better
to love than to be loved? Perhaps the key to the prayer lies
in the concept, "that I may not so much seek to be loved,
as to love." There is nothing wrong with seeking to be
loved. Personally, I think reciprocal love is the ideal. But
St. Francis had some keen psychological insight into the human
dynamics of love. Most of us desire love, acceptance,
inclusion, nurture, respect, comforting, and so on. Some of
us have been provided these qualities since childhood, and
some of us have searched for and found such qualities on
life's journey.
As professional
helpers we are, or should be, functional people. It is our
level of functioning that enables us to console, understand,
and to give of ourselves. This is why it is better to love
than to be loved, because doing so means that you have been
loved and you are functioning at an advanced level
psychologically and spiritually. It is not only about
altruism or sacrifice. It is about logic. Love is power.
Our patients
may or may not have been loved. They may or may not fully
appreciate the help we give them. If we are looking for love
from them, if we need to be needed, then we might be facing a
quick career burnout. The work we do has to be felt as
intrinsically satisfying because the personal rewards, on this
earth, are few.
If we were
always giving love and expecting an equal return from people
who simply are not capable, the result could be a state of
massive depression. I really do not think St. Francis is
suggesting a lifestyle of masochism or co-dependency. He is
probably referring to a certain abnegation of pathological
narcissisim. He is cutting through the illusions, fantasies
and wishfulness of those who desire to step onto love's
territory.
The Prayer of
Saint Francis is, after all, a prayer. There are a lot of
prayers and this one might not be for everyone. This prayer
might not be anecdotal for victims or for the oppressed. If
there is an emotional world of the haves and the have-nots,
this seems to be a prayer for the haves.
By the way, have
a Happy Valentine's Day. (Written 02/17/03 -
Revised 12/01/03: bibliography available.)
Until we meet
again....... .......stay sane.
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